I hate long hot showers when all you do is to think and think and overthink.
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Who am I? It’s such a stupid existential question, but lately I’ve really been wondering.
I cannot remember a time I haven’t thought of myself in relation with other people. I don’t exist, not by myself. I’m nothing without other people. I don’t really have an identity of my own, I think. Most of the things I do, I do because of other people. The few times I didn’t, the few times I did things for ‘myself’ or what is left of that, I…I’m not happy. Well, it doesn’t make sense to satisfy ‘myself’ when most of what I am is defined by other people.
So many things I do, I do for other people. Even if it benefits me in the first place, my overall reason always becomes someone else in a roundabout way. Sometimes I wonder if it’s what I want. But sometimes I think it is. To make people happy. Sounds like a noble enough goal.
So shall I cruise through life making people happy? Since I am, happy when they’re happy. But what if I’m not? What if I’m not happy? Who can ensure my happiness?
Or does it not matter at all, since everyone else is happy? But…but I’m not brave, or strong, or noble enough for that. I want to do somethings just for myself. But I don’t know what I want anymore. I haven’t been wanting much lately. Nothing ever gets fulfilled anyway.
